Time to Be

Three minutes left until the blueberry muffins will be ready. Three minutes left to enjoy the surprising quiet of the back porch in my suburban home.

So quiet, each sound punctuates the evening air. The tinkling of the wind chime. The creak of the glider. The cackle of a neighbor.

Savor these three minutes. 

Quiet is so precious to a mom, especially an introverted one, like me. Soon the timer will beep, beep, BEEP, and I will return to the everyday world of dishes, and finances, and decisions.

But all of that must wait. For now I will just soak in the silence. For the next three minutes, I will just be.

Do You Have What it Takes? My Experience with Attachment Parenting and What Works for Us

Everyone has an opinion about parenting. It takes very little to provoke a passionate treatise on the benefits of, say, co-sleeping and baby-wearing, or conversely, sleep training and promoting independence from an early age. So, where do I fit in this conversation?

Before I had Mr. D, I agreed theoretically with attachment parenting. I was ready, with Dr. Sears as my guide, to breastfeed exclusively for as long as my child desired, to wear him in a sling most of the day, to sleep with him at night. I found that attachment parenting seemed to jive with what I thought of as “good parenting.” After all, didn’t I have a strong attachment to my totally breastfeeding, affectionate mom?

My Experience

Then, Mr. D was born. The labor was long and grueling, and left me unable to walk unassisted for more than a week. I couldn’t get in and out of bed without extreme effort, and relied on my husband to bring our baby to nurse every couple hours.

Breastfeeding

And, oh, the nursing. I encountered (and, three months later still encounter) pretty much every breastfeeding challenge known to (wo)man. I tried, I really tried, to make enough milk. I nursed Mr. D round the clock, pumped when I wasn’t nursing, took way too many galactogogue supplements, sought the advice of several lactation consultants, attended La Leche League meetings, read websites and books. And it still wasn’t enough. Mr. D apparently required even more. After 48 hours without a wet diaper, we began the torturous road of supplementation with formula. That just about killed me. Here I was bending over backwards trying to make enough milk for my big little guy, and he needed more. Much more. I felt like a completely failure, as a woman and mother. Never mind that I had successfully labored and delivered a 9 lb, 13 oz healthy baby boy, with a head the size of Texas (okay, maybe not Texas…Utah). Postpartum hormones are cruel, and they don’t make allowances for failure, no matter how small.

Baby-wearing and Co-Sleeping

At first, Mr. D loved the Ergo baby carrier. He only seemed willing to sleep if he was touching one of us. So, the “co-sleeper” bassinet was used as nursing pillow storage for the first few weeks, while Mr. D slept glued to my side. That all changed during our trip to Hawaii when he was 6 weeks old. One night, as Mr. D fussed unhappily next to me in bed, Andy suggested that I move him more to the middle of the bed, so he wasn’t touching either of us. Almost immediately, his crying ceased. When we got home, he suddenly decided that he’d had enough baby-wearing time, thank you very much. We'd put him in the Ergo, and he'd arch his back and scream. As soon as we put him on the floor, he'd wriggle with delight. He’d discovered that having room to fully extend his body was much more exciting than skin-to-skin snuggling.

This revelation prompted us to try out the co-sleeper bassinet again. He slept better than ever. Then we were so bold to move the bassinet to his own room. He began to sleep even longer (which meant that we were, too, thank God!).

We seemed to be moving more and more away from “attachment parenting” to the “sleep training” camp. I began to realize, with more and more clarity, how divided these two philosophies are. Parents we knew swore by Dr. Sears and exclusive breastfeeding, and others swore by Dr. Ferber and supplementing with formula if necessary…no big deal. But where did we fall? With each side warring for our allegiance, I found myself fighting against both simultaneously. I knew now that all-out attachment parenting was not going to work for us, at least this time, with this child. But I didn’t feel like I could impose my schedule upon Mr. D (You’re hungry again? Sorry, bud, but you have to wait another hour. Don’t want to get off schedule!).

Conclusion

Three months in, my parenting philosophy can be summed up by two principles: Follow the child and Make decisions for the best of the entire family.  Follow the child, a Montessori principle, allows us some flexibility in our child-rearing. It means that we adjust to our child’s current needs. At first, Mr. D needed to be close to us while sleeping, and we accommodated that need by co-sleeping with him. We all slept better that way. But we couldn’t just sit back and say, “Great, we’ve figured out sleep for Mr. D. Our job is done!” We had to pay attention to what he was telling us. Full credit goes to Andy for figuring out when co-sleeping wasn’t working anymore. Mr. D needed space. So we gave it to him at night, and allowed him playtime on the floor for him to move and groove to his heart’s content. We all slept even better, and Mr. D was much happier during the day.

Follow the child also meant that I had to accept that Mr. D needed more food than I could naturally give him. Supplementing with formula has been hard for me. For Mr. D, it has transformed him from a fussy, cranky baby into a cooing, contented one. 

Which leads to the second principle: Make decisions for the best of the entire family. When I was desperately trying to make exclusive nursing work, I wasn’t doing much of anything else…including sleep. That’s one of the ironies of milk production: you are supposed to nurse on demand, pump often, and somehow eat and sleep well. With Mr. D, “on demand” meant I was glued to the couch most of the day trying to fill a black hole of a stomach. Supplementing has given me the freedom to continue living, and has increased the quality of my days. I now have the energy to actually play with my son. I’m not just frantically trying to feed him enough so I can please, oh, please take a nap. Since I’m sleeping more at night, it’s not a big deal if I don’t sleep during the day. And having Mr. D sleep in his room at night means that I don’t keep Andy up at night while I’m nursing. I don’t pretend that this is the best “parenting philosophy” for everyone. But, for us, this is the best parenting philosophy for this child and at this time.  

So often, we judge other parents with different parenting philosophies (Don’t you know that one drop of formula will reduce the life expectancy of your child? or Are you seriously going to let your child sleep in the same bed with you? What if you accidentally smother him?). What if we channeled all of that critical energy into trying to be the best parents possible for the children God gave us? I may not "have what it takes" to be an attachment parent this time around. But I do have what it takes to be the best mom and wife I can be. And that is a goal worth pursuing.  

The Waiting Game

Waiting. When I was a child, it seemed like I was always waiting for something. Waiting for my turn in the bathroom, waiting to be picked up from school, waiting to be as tall as the Tweety Bird cut-out so I could ride the "big kid" rides at the amusement park, waiting for the next letter from my pen-pal, waiting to be old enough to drive, waiting to be out of high school.

Waiting.

I must have thought that waiting was something you grew out of. From my perspective, adults didn't have to wait. They had finally reached the point where waiting ended and living began.

I was wrong.

I am twenty-six, and I am still waiting. Waiting for a response to an time-sensitive email, waiting for my garden to grow (similar to watching paint dry or water boiling...this takes forever), waiting to spend time with my husband at the end of the day, waiting for prayers to be answered.

I had a conversation with a friend last night about the future. She is in the middle of a move to a different city--where a different life with different people await. What does the future hold? We traded possible plot-lines for this next phase of her life. Anticipation, excitement, intrigue, and romance filled the space between us. Of course we have no idea how the story will play out, but I believe it will have a good ending. Many twists and turns, some better than others, no doubt, but eventually "we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Life is full of waiting. But that doesn't mean that we can't live in the meantime. Life is more like reading a suspense novel than waiting in line to get your driver's license renewed (which let's face it, no one likes). When you're reading a suspense novel, you desperately want to know the end and you have some clues about how the main character (you!) will end up. But you have to wait until the end to know how everything tied together...even those little details that you thought were unimportant are clues of how God is working in your life. For your good. To give you a future full of hope.

What are you waiting for? What strategies do you have for remaining hopeful and cheerful while you are waiting?

Memento Mori

So what do you do when you can't sleep? You blog, of course!

Instead of sleeping, I am word-peddling. Dream-raking (imagine a bunch of dreams like a pile of leaves, and you will get the idea). Today was an amazing day. It started out innocuously enough. I am on Day 3 of a pesky cold, so I decided to sleep in to see if I could shorten it. Sleeping in meant I had less time to prepare for the day. I was in charge of leading a prayer for Cabrini Ministry Training, plus I signed up to bring snack for today's class. Fortunately I found the prayer without too much difficulty, and had already planned out what snack I was bringing.

But things started looking up during Cabrini. We were learning about how to minister to those who are dying, and their loved ones. Heavy stuff, I know. During the class, we had the opportunity to reflect on our own lives, and how we felt about death and dying. "Is there someone I need to forgive? What were my best moments? Who do I love and feel I need to entrust to the care of another? Is there anything I wish I could do before I died? What do I want others to remember about me?" *

Reflecting on my life from the perspective of my impending death may sound morbid. But it was truly illuminating. I think so often I fear death because of all of its unknowns. When you examine your life so far, and prayerfully consider what you would like to do with your time left here on earth, it places you in control of the how if not the when of death. Consider this last question for a moment: "What do I need to do so I do not need to look back, but am able to stand on the edge and surrender myself to all that is to come?"*

Through conversation with another Cabrini student, I came to the realization that I do have control over a lot more than I'd like to think. I can forgive. I can make sure my loved ones are taken care of after I die. I can check off items on my bucket list. And I can shape the way others will remember me. So as cheesy as it sounds, it is liberating to live like you were dying. Because let's face it. We all are. But that doesn't have to be a sad thing.

Are you living life to the fullest? If the answer is no (and let's face it, most of us will answer no), what can you do today that will make you more prepared for death?

*These questions come from Healing the Dying by Mary Jane Linn, CSJ

Christmas Traditions 2013

December proved to be even busier than November (I don't know how that is possible, but there you have it). No, we didn't move again, but we did have a lot of Christmas celebrations and get-togethers. Here are some fun Christmas traditions that we took part in this year:

Garden d'Lights

How does a botanical garden attract visitors during the winter months? By having a Christmas Light display, of course! Andy and I had a double date with Ron and Merrie to see this light-a-polooza. We had fun spotting animals and flowers--iguanas and dragons, turtles, and sunflowers.

I spy with my little eye...

Pacific Northwest Ballet's Nutcracker Suite. 

I didn't realize this until I moved to Seattle last year, but they have their own version of The Nutcracker up here. Maurice Sendak (of Where the Wild Things Are fame) worked with the PNB to create a production of that is very delightful, if very stylized. It successfully pleases the children and the young at heart in the audience. Andy and I went last year, and this year Merrie accompanied us.

A scene stealer

Making a Snow...person...er...woman

December also surprised us with a bonafide snow storm. We got about two inches of snow overnight--enough to blanket the ground and provide the satisfying "crunch" when trampled. Andy and I took a nice walk around the neighborhood to admire the snow. Everything looks better with snow, wouldn't you agree? After our walk, we made a snowperson. I decided it was a snow-woman because she was decidedly too curvy to be a man. For some reason, when I refer to her, I start out by saying we made a snow-person. Very PC of me. ;) It was the kind of snow that you could roll up easily--to build up a ball, you just had to roll it along the grass, and it picked up all the snow, leaving only grass behind. 

In front of our house

Isn't she terrifyingly beautiful?

Christmas Smorgasbord

 Since we were going to St. Louis to spend Christmas with my side of the family, we decided to have a pre-Christmas celebration with Andy's family at our new house. That way we could still spend Christmas with them AND get to show off our new house. I honestly couldn't have done it without the help and wisdom of my mother-in-law Merrie. She came up with the idea of having a Smorgasbord, instead of having me do all the cooking by myself. So each of the guests brought something different, and everything was true to the Swedish Smorgasbord form. We had Swedish meatballs, Lefse (potato pancake), cheesy potato casserole, Lingonberry Sauce, my very first attempt at homemade Cranberry Sauce, and Rice Pudding for dessert. Afterwards we went to Andy's wind ensemble holiday concert. And when we came back, we didn't have any dishes to worry about, because the men in Andy's family (and women) had cleaned up before we left. Unfortunately, in all the excitement, I didn't take any pictures. Oops.

Seahawks Game

Okay, so maybe this isn't a Christmas tradition, but I wanted to include it on the December list. Andy has been a Seahawks fan for pretty much his whole life, and had never been to a professional football game. We decided that 2013 was the year that was going to change. It turns out that football games are ridiculously expensive (when your team is good). They are also ridiculously intense (especially when the home team loses to a lesser team, breaking a two year winning streak at home). It was one of those stereotypical days in Seattle (you know, the kind that people think Seattle has all the time). Misty/rainy, cold, bone-chilling. You would think that would give us an advantage, seeing as we were playing the Arizona Cardinals. But alas, our offense was sleeping the whole time. If it wasn't for our defense, we wouldn't have even scored a touchdown. Okay, enough sports talk (Are you impressed with my football know-how? You should be.) Fortunately, I do understand the game of football now. Also fortunately, I have not picked up some of the lingo of my fellow sportsfans (profanity, anyone?). In a stadium known for being loud, we made some make-shift earplugs out of Subway napkins, but that wasn't enough to drown out the raucous fans. 

So in sum: professional football games seem to be akin to the spectacles at the Circus Maximus: Profanity, drunkenness, inappropriate dancing, and, of course, special effects (see below). Will we go again? Perhaps. But next time we'll try to go to a Seahawks vs. Rams game...in September. 

We had a nice birds-eye view of the field.

Flames shot out as the Seahawks ran on the field.

Traveling on December 23

Traveling around Christmas is new to me. The lines were a lot longer (to be expected). People were a little more on edge (also to be expected). But what was unexpected was the Eve of Christmas Eve in the Seattle airport. As we were approaching our gate, a man on a tall unicycle (he was about 6 feet up in the air) shouted, "Tall latte for 39. Did you order a tall latte? I've been looking everywhere!" Then at the gate, Santa and an elf drove up, spreading Christmas cheer with a jovial, "Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!" One of the ladies at the gate with us responded emphatically, "Thank you! And thank you for saying 'Merry Christmas' instead of 'Happy Holidays.'" Santa greeted the lady warmly, and then passed out gifts to the children at the gate. Ten minutes later, a group of carolers, dressed in Victorian costume, began singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." I thought those were nice gestures to make the hectic holiday traveling experience a little more pleasant. 

Christmas in Missouri

We made it to Missouri with only a minor delay. My dad came to pick us up, and treated us to dinner at my favorite local Mexican restaurant. Christmas Eve was spent decorating the house, making cookies, and watching Christmas movies. Andy and I intended to go to the Midnight Mass, but by 10 we were exhausted. So we went to Mass the next day, with my sister Liz and her husband Jeremy and their children. It was nice to be able to spend a bit of time with my niece and nephew before everyone else came together. As can be expected, Christmas with 6 children, ages 3 and under is a very cute, but also very noisy experience. The first "generation" of nieces and nephews is growing up so fast...they seem to have boundless energy and enormous vocabularies.

Poinsettias or flames in the foreground? You decide.

Unfortunately, we spent about half of our Christmas holidays sick with the flu. Andy started feeling sick Christmas Day, and I came down with it a day later. We had to cancel and postpone plans with friends and family. But worst of all was that two of my sisters and their families got sick, too. By New Years' Eve we were feeling better, and got to spend the evening with our dear friends Jamie and Jarrod.

New Years Resolution #1: no more getting sick! We'll see how long that one lasts...

A Year in Review--Merry Christmas from Andy and Marie!

Dear Family and Friends,

2013 has been a very full year for us. New jobs, fun road trips, and a new house! God has been so good to us. Here is a look back on the year.

Our Wedding, November

Tulip Festival, April

Mt. Rainier, July

Our House, October 

Marie

It started out for Marie with a new job as a Montessori Assistant in an Early Childhood Classroom (2-6 year olds). Marie absolutely loved working with the little ones, and fell in love with the Montessori Method. She decided to turn down a full-time position for the following year, however, because she wanted to be able to focus on a new venture—training to become a FertilityCare Practitioner.

She attended the first part of her educational training in Omaha in October, where she was taught by Dr. Hilgers and the other founders of the Creighton Model FertilityCare System. Now she is in the practicum phase of her training, and starting to grow her client base. She is able to help couples who are struggling with infertility or are seeking natural and ethical ways to avoid pregnancy, and also aid women throughout their reproductive years monitor and maintain their reproductive and gynecologic health.

In her spare time, Marie is involved with a variety of ministries at their parish. She takes part in pro-life outreach and helps teach a Montessori-based religious education class. She is also becoming trained to provide Pastoral Care through the Church. From time to time, she writes at merrydreamer.blogspot.com.

Andy

Andy started the year doing contract work for Microsoft.  After getting his certificate in Data Science, he was promoted to another position, a contract with Juniper Networks, while maintaining a supervisory position on his previous work at Microsoft.  He is now working mainly as a database administrator and data analyst for Juniper.

Besides work, Andy keeps busy by playing trumpet in a community Wind Ensemble every Thursday evening.  He is also an active contributor at philosophynews.com where he mainly writes blogs and articles on PhD placement trends in philosophy (thus, combining his interests in philosophy and data analysis).  Andy is actively involved in church activities at their parish in Kirkland, in particular, the Men's Ministry, Youth Confirmation, and the Knights of Columbus.

Andy and Marie

At the beginning of October, we bought a house! It is a split-level, with 4 bedrooms, a spacious backyard, and a covered deck. Andy has enjoyed working on the many upgrades and repairs that come with being a homeowner.  He has installed cabinets, shelves, light switches, air circulating fans, and stairway railings.  He has also added many holes to the walls. Marie has enjoyed (with the help and expertise of her mother-in-law Merrie) planting flowers and vegetables to make the house more beautiful. With all the space, we both have our own “office” and one of the bedrooms is being used as our music room—with a baby grand piano given to us by Grandma Sue.

We took lots of little trips throughout the year, including a trip to Montana in May for a friend’s wedding and an excursion to Mount Rainier. This summer, we spent a few days at the Carsons’ cabin on an island in the Puget Sound.

In November, we celebrated our first anniversary with a trip to Gig Harbor, Washington. It’s a quaint little fishing village in the Puget Sound. Neither of us had been there before, and we enjoyed learning about the local history and eating lots of fish! We stayed at an inn that was situated right on the water. It was a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the blessings of our first year of marriage, and look forward to many more years together.

What does the next year look like so far? For Marie: more FertilityCare Training, writing, playing the piano, and ministry. For Andy: more data analysis, philosophy blogs, trumpet concerts, crab feeds, fish fries, bathroom remodels, and a Superbowl victory for the Seahawks!  We hope ;)

You are all in our thoughts and prayers this Christmas Season. May you have a very happy 2014!

Love and Blessings,

Andy and Marie

Life lately...

...has been crazy busy. Hence no blog posts for almost two months. Lest you believe I've fallen off the face of the earth, I will regale you with some glimpses into the past two months over here.

At the end of September, we moved. That's right. We bought a house. The whole process from start to finish took less than two months. So in Marie time, that's like two seconds passed between Andy and me casually agreeing one night, "Let's start to look for a house" and then being almost entirely moved in (thanks to the help of friends and family).

Flash forward a week later (that's right...A WEEK!), and I flew to Omaha to begin my training to become a FertilityCare Practitioner. I spent a grueling 8 days there, studying with people from all over the country, and the world (12 countries were represented). It was awesome, but exhausting, to be honest.

The day after I got back was Andy's birthday (yay, 27!). Sidenote: Before I left for Omaha, I joked with Andy that he'd have the whole house completely remodeled by the time I got back. Well, he may not have had it completely remodeled, but he did an incredible amount of work, anyway. He found two additional cabinets that look identical to the existing ones at Habitat for Humanity's warehouse and installed them in the kitchen. He moved the refrigerator from its awkward position in the corner to a place where you can actually open the doors all the way. He installed an additional cabinet in the bathroom. Plus, he got rid of these incredibly creepy black hand towel rack and toilet paper holders, and replaced them with normal metal ones. (Why the former owner would ever have installed these, I have no idea. The idea of hands coming out of the wall is just creepy.) He also got rid of some carpet in one of our upstairs closets that must have been original to the house in the 1960s. It reeked of smoke, and frankly made the whole room smell like an ashtray. Andy replaced it with some wood laminate. Since I've been home, he's done a lot more, but that's for another post.

Then we hosted a Halloween Party for some of our friends. We live in a neighborhood with lots of kids, so we figured we should be prepared for trick-or-treaters. Andy and I dressed up as the two main characters from the Dick van Dyke Show, Rob and Laura Petrie, respectively. I have played the part of a 50s housewife at Halloween before, so being a 60s housewife wasn't a huge stretch. Andy tried to comb over his hair to a side part, but his hair is just too short. But he definitely can pull off the tall and lanky look that Dick Van Dyke is known for. Our friends from church, Adam and Caitlin, dressed up as Charlie Brown and Lucy from the Peanuts cartoon, and brought their two little girls: Claire as Snoopy, and their 10-day-old baby Maggie, as Woodstock. One of our traditions is to watch the Peanuts holiday movies, and so it was perfect to watch "The Great Pumpkin" with the characters present! Claire particularly was entranced with the cartoon...and the candy corn on the coffee table. She also liked to go down the stairs, to check out the trick-or-treaters who came to the door.

Last weekend, Andy and I celebrated our first anniversary in Gig Harbor. Neither of us had been there before, so it was a real treat to be touristy together in the quaint fishing community. We stayed in an inn right on the water...our doors led out to a private dock. We ate dinner at the Anthony's there (of course!), which was just a block down from our hotel. The weather turned overnight, and Saturday was blustery and cold. That was our day out and about, but we made the best of it. While we were in the local history museum, the power went out. We were in the middle of watching footage of "Galloping Gertie," the first bridge across the Tacoma Narrows, as it twisted out of control and collapsed. Fortunately the electricity came on a few minutes later, and we were able to resume the film. Afterwards we went to the Heritage Distilling Company, where we tasted several different kinds of whiskey, and then got to take a tour and learn about the distilling process. That evening we ate sushi and drank sake at a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that had been recommended on tripadvisor. It was delicious. :) It was a beautiful weekend, and it was so great to get away from the craziness of life lately.

This week I have been preparing for my first Introductory Session, which is scheduled for November 12 at our church. I will be providing an overview of the Creighton Model FertilityCare System to people interested in natural family planning methods. I have no idea how many people (if any) are coming. I just hope I will be able to say what I need to say...no more and no less!

Well, that's been life lately for us. How are things going for you?