An Obliger's Need For Structure: My Stay-at-home Mom Dilemma

It's been awhile (almost two months) since I've last written. I know that you all haven't been exactly holding your breath since then, but it still saddens me that I haven't kept up with regular writing/blogging.

While I haven't been writing, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I am on the other side of my first postpartum year, and have had time to look about me, and take stock of my current situation. And, honestly, I don't like what I see. It's hard to admit that even when my depression has lifted, Mr. D is sleeping through the night, and even taking a consistent nap, I still struggle to accomplish much during the day. I clean. I make meals. I go for walks with Andy and Mr. D. We visit friends. Then naptime or nighttime rolls around and all I want to do is veg: Facebook, TV, anything that involves me sitting around and eating ice cream or chocolate. Blergh. 

I want to grow in discipline, and be able to exercise virtues readily. And I have realized that the missing piece for me is structure and the accountability that comes from it. You see, I'm an Obliger. Gretchen Rubin came up with this term (along with 3 other tendencies: Upholder, Questioner, and Rebel) to describe people who easily meet outer expectations (like a deadline), but really struggle meeting inner expectations (like exercising regularly). You can take the quiz here.

As a stay-at-home mom, I set the schedule and the pace for the day. I wake up at different times every day, based on a variable bedtime. Grocery shopping is usually done on Fridays, but doesn't have to be. No one is demanding that I dust or vacuum once a week. I can attend play group at our church (and I usually do), but the world won't end if we decide to sleep in and have a lazy morning instead. Part of me enjoys the flexibility of this life. Another part of me craves more structure and routine. I have tried numerous times in my adult life to impose structure onto my life. I've created daily schedules, where each hour is accounted for. I have a recurring calendar appointment to "blog/read/write" on my free evenings. But the siren song of Amazon Prime TV and movies drowns out my more noble aspirations. This would all be fine, if I was still in survival mode. But I'm not. And, as creative person, I need to be creating. I need something I can point to, and say, this is what I made. Otherwise, I languish. I mope.

So what is an Obliger to do? Create outer accountability. This is the brilliant answer that Gretchen Rubin discovered is necessary to ensure that Obligers are able to meet those pesky inner expectations. Once moved outwards, the expectation can be more easily met. Since I need to be creating, I will need to write on this blog, once a week. And I am asking you, dear readers, to hold me accountable. If you know me in real life, you can give me a nudge through text or phone. Or, to make it even more public, you can comment on my last blog post (I receive notifications when someone comments).

To ensure that I have the energy to foster healthy habits, I am going to sign up for an fitness pass at our local community center. Yes, I could easily do a workout at home. But I don't.  One of the classes that will be available to me is Zumba. Oh, how I love dancing! I know now that dancing is one of my happiness boosters. So on the same front, Andy and I are going to resume monthly contra dancing. Now that we have reliable childcare for Mr. D, we can go on more date nights like this.

But what about during the day? What sort of outer accountability can I add when I'm at home, by myself? It's about boundaries. One of the things that has enabled me to languish as an Obliger, is that I have so much time to do things during the day. So, I actually need to fill up some of that time with activities, so I can make better use of the remaining time. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it has worked for me in the past. I am going to set up regular play dates with local friends, attend the weekly church play group, and resume teaching Catechesis of the Good Shepherd at our church. I would also like to start exploring around the area for fun activities to do with Mr. D. Now that summer is here, that should be a lot easier.

Nap time is almost over, so I need to wrap this up. So I'll turn it over to you: how do you make the best use of your time? What strategies work for you?