Dreams Derailed, Hopes Preserved

I promise that I will write a new blog entry today. But, as I was browsing the blog entries that only made it to the draft stage, the entry below caught my eye. It was written last October, after a disappointing rejection letter from a company I was eager to work for.

Now, months and many rejection letters later (from jobs as well as grad schools), I feel much the same. So, I will let this entry exit the draft stage and enter the public stage. Voila.

God often takes a course for accomplishing His purposes directly contrary to
what our narrow views would prescribe. He brings a death upon our feelings,

wishes, and prospects when He is about to give us the desires of our hearts. --John Newton

I consider myself a big dreamer. When I think of my life thus far, I recall all of the wonderful, and amazing opportunities that I have had--pilgrimages to Medjugorie and Rome, vacations to England and Austria all before I was ten years old. And then, the opportunity to study abroad, not once but twice--first to a small village in the foothills of the Austrian Alps and then to Oxford. Living in Phoenix for six months, and visiting the Grand Canyon and Sedona. And I've been blessed with a wonderful, caring family and a supportive network of colleagues and friends.

So when I look to the future (which I can't help but do), I expect great things. And so I should. The problem, I have discovered, is not that we expect too much from this life, but that we expect far too little. We equate what we want with the best possible outcome, when this is often not the case.

That being said, I still feel crushed when things don't go as planned. This afternoon, before settling down to write, I decided to see what came in the mail.

Big mistake.

I had received one of those letters, from a company that I had applied for, months ago. I had had a phone interview with them recently that I wasn't too happy about. But I remained hopeful, sent them writing samples, and continued sitting on my laurels. As soon as I saw the letter (pitifully thin as it was), I knew what it meant.

I opened it, and scanned quickly to the end of the letter: "We will be keeping your application on file, and, should it become appropriate, may consider reviewing it again at a later date, should suitable opportunities open up" (Wow, that's a lot of qualifiers within one sentence!). My grandiose plans of getting the aforementioned job (and the nice benefits that came with it) were destroyed. Gone. Poof. The cowboy rides into the sunset...

I remember boasting after leaving six months of service in Phoenix, half-seriously, that it would be no time before I had a great job and was saving money. If "no time" meant more than two months, then I was correct.

But, I remain hopeful. Perhaps naively, I still cling to the knowledge that the great experiences of my past did not come to me as payment for anything I did. They were all gifts. And the best gifts come when you least expect them.