More Stuff, More Nonsense

{or Why I Settle for Less}

I spent a good portion of yesterday writing the beginnings of blog posts (I think I wrote three false starts). It is so hard to get over my perfectionism...in more areas than just my blog.

For the past week, I have been vacationing at my husband's cabin on the Puget Sound. The first day or so was spent making the cabin inhabitable. One of my tasks during this deep-cleaning adventure was to clean out one of the refrigerators, and free it from mold and grime. As I was busying myself about this project, my mother-in-law came by and mentioned with concern: "It doesn't have to be perfect." I breathed a sigh of relief. She had given me permission to just do my best, and then (as my theology teacher used to say) give it a rest.

My perfectionism applies to other everyday tasks. I have my list of things to do, like everyone else. But I also have all of the expectations that are attached to each item. I know I need to send back that muffin tin with the cracked lid back to Amazon. But I don't have a box readily available, so I leave it in stasis until I have the time to look for one. Or at least, that's what I tell myself. In reality, I will probably leave it there on the floor by my desk until Monday morning when I am frantically getting ready to bring it by UPS on my way back from 6:30 AM Mass. I trick myself into believing I save myself time by all of this stalling, and leaving-until-later behavior. But deep down (and in moments of rare clarity) I know the truth.

St. Ignatius knew the truth, too. Procrastination in the Devil's tool:

"We should never postpone a good work, no matter how small it may be, with the thought of later doing something greater. It is a very common temptation of the enemy to be always placing before us the perfection of things to come and bring us to make little of the present."

And that's the key: this summer I have been trying my hardest to fight the urge to "make little of the present." Instead, as my dear friend Katherine said in her blog today, I need to make more of the present. Be more. 

So why is it that we often settle for less? I think perhaps the answer for me is: because I am scared that if I give my all to something or someone, I will fail anyway.

But, knowing my fears and limitations, I will press on. For me, the smallest actions are sometimes the greatest victories. Cleaning up right away after dinner, instead of waiting for a time when I feel like it (never!). Tucking my chair in when I leave the table. Completing tasks before moving on to the next one (so hard!). The answer lies in simplicity and order, I think. The rest falls into the category of stuff and nonsense.